Getting Comfortable With Hope - Karen Mayze

From the age of four my dream was to perform. I spent most of my time singing, dancing,  making up plays and performing for any family members willing to listen. At seven, the teacher of the local theatre group sat my parents down and told them I should go to a stage school. At that age I don’t think I was able to look forward and see what that might do for me so we said no. Instead, I went to Drama School as an adult and I finally thought my dream was coming true.

I’d like to tell you it was a blast but drama schools in the 1990s were a little corrupt. Each year was culled and students were dropped like flies. I made it through but I left and entered a challenging industry already a little broken. I worked as a professional actor for about 10 years. I also did lots of waitressing but when I had an acting job it was the best thing in the world. After ten years I sort of fell into fitness, I was going to do this in between work but a trip to New Zealand showed me a whole other side to the fitness industry, one where I could acquire expertise to help people with back pain and postural issues. I found great satisfaction in it and I took the brave decision to quit acting. Yes, it was brave. For me, it took more guts than coping with the rejections in the industry. Having the guts to leave hope behind; that was hard. As the character Brian Stimpson (played by John Cleese) said in Michael Frayn’s CLOCKWISE.

 IT'S NOT THE DESPAIR,LAURA. I CAN STAND THE DESPAIR. IT’S THE HOPE

For ten years I was content in my new career but gradually the old pull of the theatre drew me back and so, frustrated and unable to do much about it – I was a single mum by this time too – I started to write. Three years ago I converted my Acting Diploma into a Theatre BA and now I am what they call an ‘Emerging Playwright’.

Through my BA I rediscovered why I love the industry. I am consistently blown away by how watching a piece of film or theatre ( when it’s done well) leaves me changed. How it stays with me for days or weeks, how I grow from it and consider new possibilities. All my favourite films are about characters that go through change. It’s something we were consistently taught at University and that’s the difference between a TV soap and a TV serial. In a soap, often no one changes but in a serial, by the end of the six episodes they have.

I’d like to tell you this side of the industry is easier but that would be lying. There is huge competition. One playwrighting scheme I applied for had four thousand applicants. Another Channel Four scheme, two thousand for 12 places. As I sit here now, I occasionally check my phone as I am waiting to hear from about three more. But just as I am drawn to the industry because it has the ability to bring change, so have I. I have grown and changed from the young actor I was, seeking validation, to a woman with so many stories to tell and a resilience that couldn’t be taught. Life has given me that. So I foster that hope and I channel it.

My life is still extremely limited. I am still a single mum with little child support, but these days,  the world can come to me. I listen to radio plays in the car. I watch theatre by joining National Theatre at home. I was lucky enough to join a playwrighting group that meet each month, led by Broken Silence Theatre Company. I research constantly about other people’s journeys. I reach out to local producers and ask them if I can buy them a cup of tea and ask them questions. I read plays and if I am inspired by the playwright, I buy three more (second hand) and read those. I watch people and situations and let the ordinary of my life become inspiration. And I write, not always on a laptop. Often in my head or on a scrappy piece of paper when an idea comes.

And if I could give any advice it would be this. Be as active and as productive as you can be. Because hope, well,  it is a tricky thing to carry, but if you are doing all you can do then it feels a bit more like that hope just might turn itself into success.